Owen Glass

"You can tell a lot about a man from his pen collection."

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This months blog

Celebrate Death Water!

• By Owen Glass

It’s March, and you know what that means—another month packed with ridiculous national days. Here’s a quick list to get you started:National Health Care Rights Day – March 22
National Sunkist® Citrus Day – March 1
National Minnesota Day – March 1
National Dadgum That’s Good Day – March 1
Finisher’s Medal Day – First Sunday in March
National Soup It Forward Day – March 3
Marching Music Day – March 4
National Dress Day – March 6
Now, personally, I don’t think America’s health care system is something worth celebrating. But here we are, with a bizarre collection of national days, all crammed into one month. Let’s dive in.First up: National Health Care Rights Day. Let’s be real—American health care rights are a joke. If you want a taste of actual health care, maybe consider packing your bags for Europe. Trust me, you’ll be better off.Next, we have National Sunkist® Citrus Day. Fun fact: Sunkist packs a whopping 44 grams of sugar. So, instead of celebrating, let’s call it what it is—Death Water. This sugary concoction exists solely to shave years off your life, so enjoy if you dare.Then, there's National Minnesota Day. Why? Seriously, why? Every state must have a national day by now, but does anyone care? This feels as necessary as National Wear Sandals Day—it’s an exercise in pointlessness.National Dadgum That’s Good! Day. No comment, except this: as I read the list on March 1st, I made sure to say “Dadgum that’s good!” every time I saw someone eating. It was a mission.Let’s skip over Finisher’s Medal Day—I’m not sure what it is or why it exists. No idea.Now, National Soup It Forward Day is actually kind of wholesome. The idea is to spread love through soup, and I’m here for that. I already know what I’ll be doing on March 3rd.Marching Music Day—okay, this one’s actually pretty decent. If you’re into music made with actual instruments (not just auto-tune and mixers), then marching music is a solid choice. I respect it.Finally, we have National Dress Day. This is the day we celebrate shelling out absurd amounts of cash for a strip of fabric that you wrap around yourself. Yup, fashion!So, in the grand scheme of things, some of these national days are ridiculous, some are alright, and a few are actually kind of nice. But mostly, they’re just... ridiculous.Oh, and sorry I didn’t post in February—things got really busy. Anyway, keep adding to your pen cup, and I’ll see you next time.